There are so many do's and don'ts of marriage ceremonies that following the proper wedding protocol can seem as difficult as finding a bride or groom! Here, the answers to a few nagging nuptial questions.
If you’ve ever helped to plan a wedding – whether your own or someone else’s – you know that it can be a daunting task. There are so many things to organize, arrange, schedule, and calculate. Every last detail is crucial, or you risk ruining what is supposed to be a blissful and perfect day. The stress of planning can be overwhelming, so the last thing you need to do is step on someone’s toes – and I don’t mean while dancing at the reception. We’re talking about etiquette here: how to avoid hurt feelings, jilted loved ones, and any situation involving the word “tacky.” Whether you’re the bride-to-be, the prospective groom, or any member of the wedding party, you’re about to find out the answers to some of the most commonly asked wedding etiquette questions.
Who pays for what?
You’ve spent nearly your whole life envisioning your dream wedding, and now the date is set: you’re finally going to walk down the aisle. But the situation could get sticky when you’re figuring out who foots the bill for your fantasy. Traditionally, the bride’s family pays for the majority of the wedding (which was great news for families with all sons), but there’s nothing wrong with breaking tradition! It’s increasingly common these days for the groom’s family – and even the bride and groom themselves – to shoulder a substantial amount of the financial burden. There’s no set-in-stone rule about who pays for what (obviously, it depends on the person’s financial situation), but if you need a general guide, here’s the breakdown:
The bride’s family pays for …
Wedding gown, veil, and accessories
Bridesmaids’ bouquets
Grandmothers’ corsages
Ceremony and reception flowers
Carpets, candelabras, trellises, and other decorations
Any rented items for the wedding or reception
Invitations and announcements
Napkins and other personalized items
Wedding programs
Church fee
Musicians and/or soloists
Church cleanup crew
Reception hall rental and fees
Catering and other professional services
Photography/videography
Orchestra, band, or DJ
Wedding cake
Wedding favors
Rice or birdseed bags, or bubbles or doves or whatever people plan to throw/release/blow at you
Father of the bride’s formal wear
The bride herself pays for …
Wedding ring for the groom
Wedding gift for the groom
Bridesmaids’ gifts
Bridesmaids’ luncheon
Accommodations for out-of-town guests
The groom’s family pays for …
The groom’s cake
The rehearsal dinner
Father of the groom’s formal wear
The groom himself pays for …
Wedding ring for the bride
Wedding gift for the bride
Groomsmen and ushers’ gifts
The bride’s bouquet
Mothers’ corsages
Groom’s, groomsmen’s, and ushers’ boutonnieres
The marriage license
Clergy fee
Gloves, ties, and ascots for attendants
Honeymoon arrangements
As far as the clothing worn by the groomsmen and bridesmaids, they are responsible for buying their own.
What about tips?
Virtually everyone in the service industry expects a tip these days, and the people you’ve hired to help with your wedding are no exception. Usually a gratuity is added into the final bill, so it isn’t necessary to tip (make sure, though, that gratuity was really added to the total before you stiff the staff). However, it’s always much appreciated, and a very nice gesture when someone has gone above and beyond the call of duty to make your day a special one. Grouped under this category are waiters and waitresses, bartending staff, caterers, wedding consultants, and hotel staff. Other people who may need to be tipped are:
Coatroom attendants – generally fifty cents per guest is appropriate, or you can arrange to pay a flat fee.
Florists, musicians, photographers, bakers – up to a fifteen percent tip, but only for special services. For church organists or pianists, their fee may be included in the church rental. If not, tip $50 - $75, never less than $35.
Limo driver – read your contract, as many limousine companies automatically add a gratuity. If not, a fifteen percent tip is customary.
Clergy – usually $100 or more; never less than $75.
Responsibilities of the maid of honor …
If you’ve been selected as the all-important maid or matron of honor, you’re probably very dear to the bride’s heart. You’re someone she trusts to do a very significant job, so you need to know exactly what that job entails. The maid of honor is responsible for:
Attending all the pre-wedding parties (tough job, but someone’s gotta do it).
Throwing a party for the bride and groom – a shower, perhaps. Or a bachelorette party, if desired.
Helping to address all the invitations … and licking the envelopes too.
Assisting the bride with her going-away luggage, making sure she’s packed everything.
Keeping track of bridesmaids’ appointments and obligations, such as dress fittings, and remind them of each one.
Arranging for the flower petals that the flower girl sprinkles down the aisle before the ceremony.
Arriving early (at least two hours) at the church or bride’s home to help everyone get ready.
Reminding the best man which lady will be wearing which corsage.
Holding the bride’s bouquet during parts of the wedding such as the exchange of rings.
Assisting the bride with her train, and discretely fixing any twists or folds in the fabric.
Carrying the groom’s ring until the designated time in the ceremony.
Witnessing and signing the marriage certificate.
Standing in the post-ceremony receiving line; traditionally, the Maid of Honor’s place is to the left of the groom, with the bridesmaids on her left.
Taking care of the bride’s dress after she’s changed out of it; taking it to have it cleaned or professionally stored.
Your job as maid of honor is serious. You’re there to make sure the bride’s day goes as smoothly and happily as it possibly can. Even if the stress of the day and of your responsibilities is getting to you, don’t let it show; perform your required tasks with a smile and don’t complain. This is someone else’s day, so do whatever you can to make it great and memorable. She has trusted you with the best day of her life so far, and that’s a privilege.
Responsibilities of the best man …
The duties of best man don’t stop at planning the wildest bachelor party of the century (as much as you may wish they did!). If you’re the “chosen one,” you’re in charge of:
Ensuring that the groom has the marriage license with him.
Getting the money from the groom to privately pay the clergy after the ceremony.
Helping the groom pack for the honeymoon.
Helping the groom get ready for the ceremony.
Overseeing the ring bearer and make sure he knows what to do.
Arranging for the bride’s and groom’s luggage to be loaded and ready to go when they are.
Making sure the honeymoon arrangements are finalized and that the groom has the necessary tickets, passports, etc.
Making sure the groomsmen and ushers are all in their designated places on time.
Checking the men’s boutonnieres (which should be worn stem-down on the left lapel).
Getting to the reception early so you can be there to greet the happy couple.
Giving the first toast at both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding.
Acting as a host at the wedding and reception, making introductions and small talk where necessary.
Dancing at the reception with all the female members of the wedding party – including the bride – and the mothers.
Helping the bride and groom to prepare and depart for their honeymoon.
Returning the groom’s tuxedo.
Signing the marriage certificate.
What to give the attendants?
The people in your wedding party are donating much time and effort to the cause of making your wedding day special, so it’s customary to show your appreciation with a small gift. Normally, the bridesmaids and groomsmen receive identical gifts, and the maid of honor and best man receive something a little different.
Bridesmaids may like jewelry, small music boxes, framed wedding pictures, perfume or scented soap, gift certificates for a facial, manicure, pedicure or massage, or makeup brushes.
Groomsmen could receive leather wallets, cufflinks, money clips, pen and pencil sets, cologne, or gift certificates.
Don’t forget the littlest members of your wedding party: gifts for flower girls and ring bearers can include toys, jewelry, or tickets to the movies, zoo, or local children’s museum.
Shower “shoulds” and “should-nots.”
Showers can be tricky: who to invite? Who should host? Is there an appropriate way to ask for money instead of gifts? It’s definitely exciting to receive gifts, and helpful in starting any bride’s new life as a wife, but the focus should be on celebrating the union – not how much stuff you can amass (three Crock Pots? All riiiiight!).
Family members of the bride should never host a shower; this could be perceived as begging for gifts. The only exception is that a relative may host if she’s the maid/matron of honor.
Never host your own shower – yikes!
If there are going to be multiple showers, and you’re the mother or future mother-in-law of the bride, or a bridesmaid, you should attend all of them; however, you’re not expected to bring a gift to each one.
Never invite the same guest to multiple showers.
It is acceptable for a remarrying bride to have a shower.
Only invite people to the shower that are invited to the wedding.
Never request money in lieu of other gifts! You can mention to someone in the bridal party that you’d like to receive money instead of gifts, and rely on word-of-mouth, but it should never be specified on a shower invitation. You could also start your own wedding website and “hint around” with an online blog.
If (heaven forbid) your wedding is cancelled or annulled, you must return all gifts to their respective givers.
Thanks … a lot.
Yep, that’s right – you’ll be sending out so many thank-you notes that you’ll be able to write them in your sleep (at least if you’re following proper etiquette you will be!). A few guidelines for writing great thank-yous:
Send the cards as promptly as possible; within ten days of the shower for shower gifts, and within two weeks of returning from the honeymoon for wedding gifts.
Regardless of how many notes you have to send, even if you feel like your hand is about to fall off, never ever send a pre-printed note. This is tacky and generic, and will make the recipient feel like you didn’t even care enough about the gift to take time and write something. Always include a warm, sincere, hand-written thank-you specifically mentioning what they gave you and how you plan to use it (such as, “Thank you so much for the beautiful crystal vase. It looks just perfect on our dining room table.”).
If you’re sending a thank-you note to someone who both gave you a gift and helped with your wedding, it’s appropriate to thank them for both things in the same note.
If someone has given you more than one gift, recognize each gift with its own thank-you card.
No kids allowed!
Sometimes, in order to avoid the possibility of a tantrum during the ceremony or other kid-catastrophes, a bride and groom may wish to exclude children from their wedding and reception. This may offend some people – how could you not want their little darlings around? – but ultimately, it’s your wedding and your decision, whether it burns people’s buns or not. Since it’s a delicate situation, though, you should be careful how you specify that it’s to be a child-free affair. When wording the invitations, never say “No children,” or anything similar; say, “Adults only” or “Adult reception.” This sounds a little less harsh, though the meaning is still the same. You can always tactfully add something at the bottom of the invitation such as, “We have reserved two seats for you.” If you’re excluding some children, it’s only fair to exclude all children, even if it’s just a select few you have in mind (like your cousin’s bratty brood). And if someone slips up and brings a kid, don’t have a fit. What’s done is done, and it’s not worth ruining your day over.
Planning a wedding is complicated work, but when you follow the rules of proper etiquette, at least you can rest easily knowing you’ve done things the right way. Now, if only someone would write such a guide to married life …
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