Unfortunately, divorce is a fact of life for many couples who get married. And oftentimes, the children who were brought into the world by both of their parents and are powerless over the divorce decision are left wondering why this is happening to them.

While this is a very complex time for all parties involved, children may have somewhat of a harder time with their parents’ divorce – they did not cause the dissolution, and are stuck in the sidelines and given no rights when considering the status of their home life.

So, it isn’t surprising, yet never great news, when your child states clearly that they want to live with the other parent. Of course this could be said during a heated argument with the custodial parent, but what if they really mean it?

When a child has a right to choose

There is a simple age that all children can choose which parent they want to live with – 18. At that time, they are officially adults, and have control over their destiny – physically and mentally.

But, that does not mean that a child who wishes to live with the non-custodial parent will never get that chance. In most courts across the United States, children who are at a mature age (normally 12-13 years of age or older) and are adamant about living with the other parent can file an Affidavit of Preference – or an official court document stating the child’s desire to live with the non-custodial parent. It is then up to the courts to decide what is best for the child – and if the want or desire is genuine, not spiteful or based on wishes of lesser rules and discipline, the courts may side with the child.

The judge’s decision is based on many factors:

• Is the child’s desire to change living arrangements valid?

• Is the child mature enough to understand the meaning of changing households and the repercussions that follow the change?

• Can the child clearly state why they want to live with the other parent?

• Would living with the other parent drastically affect the child’s life – positively or negatively?

• Can the non-custodial parent provide stability in the child’s life?

• Is there an obvious benefit or long-term gain with living with the other parent?

Once these questions are thoroughly answered and evaluated, then the judge is ready to make his decision. But, if the judge still needs more information, he or she will sometimes speak privately with the child.

This can be a very sticky situation – the child is then forced to tell an objective person that he/she chooses another parent over the other. This places an added pressure on the child, and can have long term affects on his/her life. But, if the court deems it necessary, then it is just another step in deciding custody.

How to do the right thing

Most parents would never dream of putting their child in such an awkward position fighting for the chance to live with the other parent. It not only causes unnecessary tension for everyone involved, but it can lead to bitter fights and further pain that can be all together avoided.

If your child expresses an increased interest in living with the other parent, and you see that it is not a passing phase, then there are steps you can take with your child to decide if it is the best situation for them.

Yes, this can be a hard thing to do – divorces don’t just end on a good note – there is always some lingering bitterness or remorse that one or both parties feel for being put in such a situation regardless of the actual reasons behind the divorce. And the custodial parent can often feel the burden of divorce every day – they are left to care for the child, which can mean struggling and juggling just to make ends meet. It is easy to feel unappreciated and disrespected when your child speaks to you about moving in with the other parent, but wouldn’t you rather be the role model they deserve than a child yourself?

First things first – you must decide if your child’s decision to move in with the other parent is valid while removing your own biases. It doesn’t matter how you feel about the other parent; rather, all that really matters is if the other parent is stable, mature and responsible enough to take care of your child on a daily basis. To help in this decision, the custodial parent must honestly answer the following questions:

Is my child mature enough to make this decision (a child of 4 or 5 years of age is not mature enough to make such a decision, but a child of 11/12 years of age or older is typically able to reason and make decisions based on facts and other factors)

• Will my child have the same or better quality of life with the other parent?

• Will my child be cared for primarily by the other parent or stuck in a daycare or after school program because of the parent’s work schedule?

• Will my child be able to stay in the same school district, or be provided a better schooling experience with the other parent?

• Will my child be able to participate in the same extracurricular activities or have better activity options with the other parent?

• Will I have adequate visitation, or will my work schedule fit in with the visitation schedule?

• Is my child requesting a custody change in order to have less discipline or a freer lifestyle, or will the other parent act as an adequate disciplinarian as well?

• Am I allowing my own personal feelings to get in the way of what my child wants?

Answering the above questions will not be an easy task, but you must consider the actual situation that your child will be placed in at the other parent’s home, and not your own feelings.

Your feelings for the ex-spouse are not your child’s feelings of his/her other parent. They are two completely different situations. You had a relationship that ended with the person in question – whatever the reason for the divorce, it didn’t work out. But your child will always have a relationship with both parents – that doesn’t end just because your marriage did. So, you have to really consider their feelings above yours in order to help guide them through such an important decision.

This is a learning experience for both of you – and wouldn’t you rather help your child make informed decisions than throw them to the wolves or disown them because you can’t rise above?

Making the decision

After you do your own personal soul searching and learn how to find the “objective” niche, you are ready to discuss your child’s desire to live with the other parent.

The atmosphere surrounding this conversation must be open, honest and unbiased. Your child must feel secure enough to discuss this with you, so take this into consideration. On a positive note, your child has brought this desire to your attention, meaning that he or she feels as if they can have discussions with you rather than go behind your back or hide their true feelings. They deserve much respect for their honesty, and your discussion should be based on the decision, not your desires.

While having this conversation, your child and you must revisit the questions you previously asked yourself – this will allow him/her to discuss exactly why they want to live with the other parent and allow you to introduce some questions that they may not have thought about. Schooling, extracurricular activities, visitation, lifestyle changes and other factors must be considered by your child so they can fully understand the implications of living with the other parent. They may discover that this new living arrangement may not be as beneficial as they once believed, and might change their mind about the move.

On the other hand, they may actually have valid points and discover even more benefits for living with the other parent. Remember – this is okay, and it is not something that should be brushed off or ignored. You are having this conversation to make such a decision, not to convince them otherwise.

So, if the outcome is, yes, they feel they want to live with the other parent and have compelling reasons to make the move, and you are sure that the other parent can do a good job as a full-time parent, then there is one more step that you must complete – discussing this situation with the other parent.

Talking to your ex

Once you have discussed the situation with your child, talking to your ex should be a breeze, or not.

This is an awkward situation – you, being the custodial parent, may feel rejected on all fronts. Maybe you didn’t want the divorce to begin with, your life was thrusted into chaos and struggle once the divorce occurred and now your child that you have sole custody, and most times sole responsibility for, wants to live with the enemy. So, you have to get into the right mind frame before this discussion ensues.

Call your ex and arrange a time to sit down and privately discuss your child’s desire for the new living arrangement. It is best to schedule this a few days after the discussion with your child in order to prepare yourself. Meet at a neutral location – either of your homes is not appropriate because neither should have a higher ground or home field advantage – somewhere public but that allows private discussions.

Then, a day or so before the meeting will take place – get it all out. Talk to your friends, family, pastor – someone – and tell them about how you feel. They will be a great sounding board, plus remind you that this is about your child, not your ex. Doing this may prevent an unnecessary fight to occur during the meeting.

During the meeting, ask your ex the exact questions you asked your child and yourself. Ask him/her to be completely honest about how this potential new living situation will affect his/her life, their child’s life and your life.

Is this what he/she wants? What are the plans for schooling, extracurricular activities or discipline? Will the new living arrangement disrupt his/her work schedule? Can he/she support the visitation agreement? All of these questions must be answered before your child can just uproot and begin a new life.

If tension arises (and it probably will) please remind each other that the reason for the discussion is to make a very important decision about your child’s living arrangements. This is not he said she said – you two cannot focus on what either of you have done wrong as a parent or a spouse – the focus has to be about the child.

If you feel you are unable to conduct such a meeting, then find a mediator to conduct it for you. This allows an objective person to control the conversation and remind each of you why this conversation is important. There are several divorce counselors that offer mediation services, check your local phone book or conduct an internet search.

Bottom line – when the two of you walk away from the situation, a decision will have been made. Either the ex can support this new living arrangement, or they can’t – but let them be the one to tell you. Remember – you came into this conversation with the idea that he or she could be a full-time parent – you wouldn’t be here if you questioned their parenting skills or living situation. It’s time to accept the change and support your child’s decision.

Moving day and beyond

While the actual moving day may be the hardest day of your life – it is best to be there in order to support your child. Again, your child isn’t doing this to hurt you, and they still need you to play an active role in their life regardless of where they live.

Help them pack their things, decide what stays and what goes (it is preferential to keep the same furniture and some clothing items for their visits) and help them transfer these items either by dropping them off at the new home, or packing them in your ex’s car.

Before they leave your house, let your child know that if they ever want to live with you full-time in the future, that the door is always open. Remind them that they can call and visit anytime they like – your house will always be their house too.

And once they are gone, there will be a huge adjustment period, but time will help the situation. Everyone adapts at their own rate, and it may be easier to accept the new living arrangement if you keep the focus on your child.

And who knows what the future will hold, you may find your child back in a few months, or they may choose to stay with the other parent until they reach adulthood. Whatever the case, you are their parent, their confidante and their guide through life. Don’t disappoint them now – you’ve already made the hardest decision of your life. Move forward and continue to be there for the one who needs you the most – your child.

And a few what not to do’s

When faced with the stress of your child’s desire to live with the other parent, there are a few things you should always avoid, or you may ostracize yourself from your child for good:

• Never tell your child that if they live with the other parent, they will never see you again – that is just plain dirty and can even be considered mentally abusive.

• Don’t ignore your child’s desire to move in with the other parent and hope they will just get over it – doing so may cause your child to quit opening up to you – something that can lead to bigger issues in the future.

• Never tell your child how worthless or irresponsible their other parent is – if they are irresponsible your child will realize that on their own – it’s not your place to degrade the other parent.

• Avoid guilt trips at all costs – yes, it may break your heart, and you can let your child know that you will have to grow accustomed to not having them around on a full-time basis– but that sort of manipulation will eventually build up resentment and your child will see it as a control tactic, which may strain your relationship in the future.

• Don’t allow your child to live with the other parent to teach them a lesson – do it for the right reasons.

• Never allow your child to live with a parent who is unfit, no matter the circumstances – if you know that the other parent is engaged in illegal activities or a lifestyle not conducive to raising a child – then as a responsible parent, you must override the child’s decision to live there.

External Links:

• Getting Your Children Through Divorce - Information for Children of Divorce
• Help Guide - Children and Divorce - Children and Seperation/Divorce